Scripts

What to say

206 sentences · 34 situations · copy any of them

Most difficult conversations don't fail because people lack the courage. They fail because nobody has ever written down the actual sentence, so it gets improvised badly at the worst possible moment.

These are the sentences. Every one of them is lifted from the entry or guide that explains why it works — follow the link above each group if you want the reasoning rather than just the words.

Accountability read the entry →

Specific, to someone, with the consequence left on the table. Any of these becomes an evasion the moment it's generalised.

The specific version
That was mine. I made this call, it caused this, and here's what I'm doing about it.
Before anyone has asked
Something's gone wrong and it's my doing. I'd rather tell you now than have you find it.
When you want to explain the circumstances
There were reasons and they don't change that it was my call. Tell me if you want the detail later.
When the consequence is theirs to decide
I'm not going to argue with whatever you decide to do about this.
When you catch yourself being vague
I said I was responsible and I didn't say for what. Let me be specific.
When it's a repeated thing
This is the third time. The pattern is mine and the previous assurances clearly weren't worth much — so here's one checkable thing instead.

Anger read the entry →

The first ninety seconds are chemical and you have very little influence over what comes out of your mouth in them. Nearly all of these exist to buy you past that window.

Buying the ninety seconds
I need a minute before I answer that.
Naming the violation instead of attacking the person
When that happened, the thing that got crossed was this. That's what I'm angry about.
When you can tell it's displaced
I'm angry and it genuinely isn't about you. Give me an hour and I'll be a person again.
After you've already lost it
The thing I was angry about was real. The way I said it wasn't. Both of those are true and I'm not using the first to excuse the second.
When you're both escalating
I'm not going to keep going while we're like this. Tonight, properly.
When someone asks what's wrong and you've gone quiet
I'm angry and I haven't worked out what about yet. I'm not stonewalling you — I'll come back to it.

Apologizing read the entry →

Say what happened, that it was yours, and what changes. In that order, and without the word “but” anywhere in it.

The three-part apology
I did this. It cost you that. Here's what I'm doing differently.
When you don't yet know what the damage was
I think I hurt you and I don't fully understand how. Will you tell me? I'll listen and I won't argue with it.
For a pattern, not an incident
This isn't the first time. I've been doing it for a while and you've been absorbing it, and that's on me.
When you badly want to explain yourself
There's a reason, but it isn't an excuse. Tell me if you ever want to hear it.
Instead of “I'm sorry you feel that way”
I did that, and it landed badly. I'm not going to argue with how it landed.
When they're still angry afterwards
That's fair. I'm not asking you to be done with it yet.

Asking read the entry →

Specific, short, and with the apology removed. A vague ask is hard to say yes to; an apologetic one makes the other person manage your discomfort as well as the request.

The plain version
Could you help me with this on Thursday? It'd take about half an hour.
Removing the preamble
I need a hand with something — no preamble, can you help?
When you've been hinting
I've been hinting at this rather than asking. I'm asking: would you be willing to?
Asking for what you want rather than for help
What I'd actually like is this. I wanted to say it rather than hope you'd guess.
Making a no easy
Genuinely fine if not — I'd rather you said so than squeezed it in.
Asking for clarification you think you should already have
I've lost the thread on this. Can you take me back a step?

Boundaries read the entry →

Flat and short. A boundary delivered as an argument invites an argument; a boundary delivered as information mostly doesn't. No speech, no case, no listing of previous offences.

The complete shape, both halves
I'm not going to keep talking about this. If it comes up again I'm going to change the subject.
With a parent
I love you, and I'm not discussing my weight with you. If it comes up I'll go and do something else for a bit — it isn't a punishment.
When it gets crossed again
I said what I'd do if this came up. I'm doing it now. That's all this is.
When they say you've changed
I have. This is the version of me that can keep seeing you.
Without any speech at all
That doesn't work for me.
When they want to debate whether it's fair
You don't have to agree with it. I'm still going to do it.

Communication read the entry →

Specific beats emphatic. Nearly everything here works by separating what happened from how it landed, which gives the other person something to act on instead of something to deny.

Instead of a characterisation
When this happened, the effect on me was this. I'd like it to be different.
Checking what actually arrived
Let me say back what I think you mean, and you tell me what I've got wrong.
When you can tell it's landing badly
That came out worse than I meant it. Let me try again.
Asking for something directly
I'm not hinting at this — I'm asking. Would you be willing to?
When you need them to just listen
I don't need this solved. I need you to hear it. Is that alright?
When you don't know what you want yet
I haven't worked out what I'm asking for. Can I think out loud for a minute?

Conflict read the entry →

Almost all of these work by slowing things down. Speed is what turns a disagreement into a fight, and nearly everyone regrets what they said at speed rather than what they said slowly.

Slowing the rate
I want to get this right more than I want to get it over with. Can we go slower?
Naming the signal under the position
I don't think this is really about the plan. I think it's that my preference didn't seem to register.
When you're flooded
I'm too wound up to do this well. Give me twenty minutes and I'll come back — I'm not walking out on it.
Checking you actually heard them
Let me say back what I think you mean, and you tell me what I've got wrong.
When you're both right
I don't think either of us is wrong here. I think we want different things and neither of us has said so plainly.
When they won't engage at all
I'd rather have this conversation badly than not have it. When are you willing to?

Criticism read the entry →

Nearly all of these exist to buy time, because the response you give inside the first ninety seconds is the defence talking and you'll want it back.

Buying the evaluation window
That's worth taking seriously. Let me think about it properly and come back to you.
When you want to understand rather than argue
Can you give me a specific example? I want to make sure I'm fixing the right thing.
When part of it is fair and part isn't
You're right about the first part and I'm going to change it. The second part I see differently — can I tell you why?
When it's accurate and you hate it
That's fair. I'd rather know.
When the delivery was poor but the point stands
I'd like to come back to how that was said. But the substance is right and I'm not going to use the delivery to dodge it.
When it's simply wrong
I've thought about it and I don't think that's accurate. Here's what I think is actually happening.

Feedback read the entry →

Ask narrowly. The broad version gets reassurance, which is pleasant and useless. Naming the specific element gives someone permission to be honest about it.

Instead of "what did you think?"
Was the second half clear, or did I lose you somewhere?
Making honesty easy
I'd find one thing that didn't work more useful than five things that did.
Asking about your effect on someone
When I said that in the meeting, how did it land? I genuinely can't tell.
Receiving it well
That's worth taking seriously. Let me think about it properly and come back to you.
When it's accurate and unwelcome
That's fair. I'd rather know.
Asking for it ongoing rather than once
Could you tell me when you notice this happening, rather than saving it up?

Friends read the entry →

The main obstacle is that vague contact commits nobody. Put a day in it, and skip the apology for the gap — the apology is usually what makes it awkward.

Instead of "we should catch up sometime"
Are you free Thursday evening? I'd like to see you.
When it's been years
I've left this far too long and I'd still really like to see you. Are you around in the next few weeks?
When you're always the one organising
I've noticed I'm usually the one who sets these up. I'd like it to be a bit more even — is that something you want too?
Turning an acquaintance into a friend
I always enjoy talking to you here. Do you fancy a coffee properly — say next week?
Making it recurring, which is what actually works
Shall we just make this a standing thing? First Tuesday of the month, same place.
Saying the true thing
I don't have many people I can say this to. Can I tell you something?

Most people say nothing because they're afraid of saying the wrong thing — and the silence is what the grieving person actually notices. Short and plain beats profound. Name the person. Don't look for a silver lining, and don't make it a question they have to answer.

When you don't know what to say
I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry. I'm here.
Instead of “let me know if you need anything”
I'm dropping food round on Thursday. I'll leave it at the door — you don't have to see me or reply.
Later, when everyone else has stopped mentioning it
I was thinking about her today. I still think about her.
When they apologise for crying
Please don't apologise. You can do that here.
When you want to ask how they are
How is today? Not the big question — just today.
Months or years on
Is it alright if I say his name? I'd like to talk about him.

Help read the entry →

Short, specific, and without the apology. A vague ask is hard to say yes to, and the apologising is usually what makes it awkward for everyone.

The specific ask
I'm stuck on this. Could you give me half an hour on Thursday?
When you'd normally apologise first
I need a hand with something. No preamble — can you help?
Admitting the scale of it
This has got bigger than I can manage on my own, and I've left it too long before saying so.
Asking someone who relies on you
I'm usually the one doing this for other people, and I find asking hard. I'm asking.
When you don't know what you need
I don't know what would help. Can I talk it through with you and we'll find out?
Professional help
I've been dealing with this on my own for a while and it isn't getting better. I'd like to talk to someone about it.

Honesty read the entry →

The thing that makes honesty land is usually warmth plus specificity — not bluntness, which is a different variable people keep confusing with it.

Disagreeing without a fight
I see this differently, and I'm not saying you're being unreasonable. Can I tell you how?
When you've been softening for a while
I've been giving you a manageable version of this. The actual version is closer to what I'm about to say.
Saying the unwelcome thing kindly
I'd rather tell you this badly than have you hear it from someone else or not at all.
When asked for an opinion you know isn't wanted
Do you want the honest answer or the supportive one? Both are available and they're different.
Admitting you weren't straight before
I said I was fine with that and I wasn't. That's on me for not saying so at the time.
When honesty would cost someone else
There's something I'm not telling you and it isn't mine to tell. I'd rather say that than pretend there's nothing.

How to Apologise When You've Really Hurt Someone read the guide →

Say it once, properly, then stop. Longer apologies tend to drift into explanation, and explanation reads as defence however it was meant.

The three-part apology
I did this. It cost you that. Here's what I'm doing differently.
When you don't fully understand the damage yet
I think I hurt you and I don't fully understand how. Will you tell me? I'll listen and I won't argue with it.
For a pattern rather than an incident
This isn't the first time. I've been doing it for a while and you've been absorbing it, and that's on me.
When you badly want to explain yourself
There's a reason, but it isn't an excuse. Tell me if you ever want to hear it.
Instead of "I'm sorry you feel that way"
I did that, and it landed badly. I'm not going to argue with how it landed.
When they're still angry afterwards
That's fair. I'm not asking you to be done with it yet.
When you can't fix it
I can't undo this and I'm not going to pretend I can. What I can do is not be the person who does it again.
Weeks later, if nothing has been said
I'm not raising it to get an answer. I just didn't want you to think I'd decided it was fine.

How to Get Through the First Weeks After a Breakup read the guide →

Short, and without a door left open that you don't intend to walk through. Ambiguity is kind in the moment and expensive for weeks afterwards.

Setting contact, to them
I'm not going to be in touch for a while. It isn't a punishment — I just can't do this and be in contact at the same time.
When they want to stay friends immediately
Maybe eventually. Not now, and I'd rather be honest about that than pretend I can.
Asking someone to be there
I don't need advice and I don't really want to talk about it. Can I just come and sit in your kitchen on Thursday?
To people who keep asking what happened
I'm not up to going through it. I'd love to talk about literally anything else.
When you're about to message them at midnight
(to yourself) This will feel resolved for ten minutes and then restart the clock.
At work, if you need the slack
I'm dealing with something personal. I'm here and I'm going to be slower than usual for a couple of weeks.

How to Have a Difficult Conversation read the guide →

The opening sets whether this is a conversation or a trial. The recoveries matter more than the opening, because something will go wrong.

Opening it
There's something I've been avoiding bringing up and I'd rather get it wrong than keep not saying it. Is now alright?
Saying the thing
When this happens, what it costs me is this. I'd like it to be different, and I wanted to say so rather than go quiet about it.
Raising something old
This is old and I should have said it at the time. I'm saying it now because it clearly hasn't gone away on its own.
Checking you've understood them
Let me say back what I think you mean, and you tell me what I've got wrong.
When you're too activated to continue
I'm too wound up to do this well. Twenty minutes and I'll come back — I'm not walking out on it.
When it's stopped being about the subject
We've stopped talking about the thing. Can we go back to it, or leave it until tomorrow?
When you realise you're wrong mid-conversation
I came in with a version of this that I don't think is right. Let me start again.
Closing it without false resolution
I don't think we've solved this, and I'm glad it's been said. Can we come back to it next week?

How to Set a Boundary With a Parent read the guide →

Short, flat, no case attached. If you find yourself explaining, you've turned a boundary back into a request.

The complete shape
I'm not going to discuss this with you. If it comes up I'll change the subject, and if it keeps coming up I'll head off a bit earlier.
When you want to soften it without weakening it
I love you and I'm not doing this one. It isn't a punishment and I'm not angry.
When they ask why, or want to debate whether it's fair
You don't have to agree with it. I'm still going to do it.
When they say you've changed
I have. This is the version of me that can keep coming round.
When it gets crossed again
I said what I'd do if this came up. I'm doing it now. That's all this is.
Reducing contact without a rupture
I'm going to come for the afternoon rather than the weekend. I'd rather see you for less time and be glad about it.

Intimacy read the entry →

Small rounds, not a confession. Each of these is an offer that the other person can receive or not, which is the whole point — you're finding out, not performing.

Opening one round
Can I tell you something I haven't said out loud to anyone?
When the conversations have become logistics
We've been doing admin for weeks. How are you actually?
Going first
I'll start, since one of us has to. Here's the thing I've been not saying.
When they offer something and you want to receive it well
Thank you for telling me that. I'm not going to do anything with it except keep it.
When it landed badly last time
I said something real a while back and it didn't go well. I'd like to try again, and I'd like you to be gentle with it.
Naming the distance
I think we've got closer in habit and further apart in everything else. I'd rather say that than keep noticing it.

Jealousy read the entry →

Naming it is almost always better than acting it out, and it's a surprisingly different conversation from the one you're dreading. Say it before the alarm has been running for three days, not after.

Naming it without accusing
Something's firing in me about this, and I don't think it's fair to you. I'd rather tell you that than go quiet and have you wonder.
Asking for the thing instead of the reassurance
I don't need you to tell me it's fine. What would actually help is some proper time with you this weekend.
When there genuinely is evidence
A few things haven't added up for me lately. I'd rather ask you directly than keep assembling a theory.
When you've already gone cold
I withdrew earlier and that was me handling something badly rather than you doing something wrong. Can we start that again?
Naming the old pattern
This is an old pattern of mine and not a verdict on you. I'm working on it, and I didn't want to hide it and have you feel it anyway.

Kindness read the entry →

Specific and already in motion beats offered and general. "Let me know if you need anything" hands someone a task they won't do.

Instead of offering help
I'm dropping food round on Thursday. I'll leave it at the door — no need to reply.
Acknowledging without fixing
That sounds genuinely hard. I'm not going to try to solve it.
Noticing something small
You've seemed flat this week. No agenda — just saying I noticed.
When they're embarrassed
Honestly, it's nothing. I'd want someone to do it for me.
The kind thing that isn't the nice thing
I'm telling you this because I'd rather you heard it from me.
Following up when everyone else has stopped
I know it's been a while. How are you actually doing with it?

Leadership read the entry →

Most of these do one of two jobs: removing ambiguity, or making it safe to tell you something you don't want to hear.

Giving a decision rather than a hint
We're doing this one. I'll explain the reasoning, and the decision isn't open.
When it genuinely is open
This one is genuinely undecided. I want your actual view, not agreement with mine.
Making bad news safe
If something is going wrong I want to know early and badly, rather than late and tidy.
Admitting you don't know
I don't know. Here's how we're going to find out.
When you got it wrong
That was my call and it was wrong. Here's what we're doing instead.
Checking the direction actually landed
Tell me what you think we've just agreed, so I can hear whether I was clear.

Loneliness read the entry →

The reason loneliness persists among available people is almost always vagueness. “We should catch up sometime” is a wish — it commits nobody and nothing happens. A specific time is a plan. Send one of these today rather than this week.

Instead of “we should hang out sometime”
Are you free Thursday evening? I'd like to see you.
When it's been far too long and that's the awkward part
I've left this much too long and I'd still really like to see you. Are you around in the next couple of weeks?
Going one level deeper with someone you already see
Can I tell you something I haven't said out loud to anyone yet?
When you're always the one reaching out
I've noticed I'm usually the one who messages. I'd like it to be a bit more even — is that something you want too?
Just admitting it
I've been lonely lately. I'm not asking you to fix it — I just didn't want to keep pretending I'm fine.

Manipulation read the entry →

These work by slowing things down and keeping your own record intact. You don't have to win the argument — you mainly have to not decide inside it.

Refusing to decide in the moment
I'm not going to answer that now. I'll come back to you tomorrow.
When your account is being corrected
That's not how I remember it, and I'm not going to argue about it. I'm keeping my version.
When guilt is being used as the lever
I can see this is upsetting. The answer is still no.
When the subject keeps moving
We've changed topic three times. I'd like to stay on the first one.
Declining the premise
I don't accept the way that's been framed, so I'm not going to answer it as asked.
To someone outside it
Something keeps happening that I can't make sense of afterwards. Can I describe it and you tell me how it sounds?

Marriage read the entry →

Most of what's needed here is unremarkable and specific. The large relationship conversation tends to produce defensiveness; a small true sentence tends not to.

When it's become logistics
We've been doing admin for weeks. How are you actually — not the summary version?
Naming the distance without accusing
I think we've got closer in habit and further apart in everything else. I'd rather say that than keep noticing it.
Asking for something rather than hinting
What I'd actually like is more time where we're not solving anything. Can we do that this weekend?
When you've both changed
I don't think either of us is who we were when we started this. Can we talk about who we are now rather than assuming?
Mid-argument, when it's gone past the subject
We've stopped talking about the thing. Can we come back to it tomorrow?
The repair afterwards
The thing I was upset about was real. The way I said it wasn't, and that part is mine.

Negotiation read the entry →

Most of the work is asking rather than arguing. The silence after a proposal is also doing work, and most people fill it.

Getting underneath the position
Help me understand why that matters — I might be able to solve it a different way.
Making a proposal and stopping
Here's what I'd suggest. (then say nothing)
When you need time
I'm not going to answer that now. Let me think and come back tomorrow.
Naming your actual constraint
The part I can't move on is this. Everything else is negotiable.
When it's become positional
We're arguing about the number. Can we go back to what each of us is actually trying to achieve?
Declining without closing the door
That doesn't work for me as it stands. What would work is something closer to this.

No read the entry →

A no that arrives as information lands better than one that arrives as an apology. Short is also kinder — a long no sounds negotiable, so people keep going.

To a manager
I can't take that on this week without dropping something else — which would you rather I protect?
To a friend or family member
I'm not able to. I wish I could.
When they ask why
I'd rather not get into it, but the answer's still no.
When you need time, not an answer
I'm going to say no for now. If that changes, I'll come find you.
When you already said yes and want out
I answered too fast and I need to take it back. That's on me — I should have checked before I said yes.

People-Pleasing read the entry →

Most pleasing happens in the half-second before you've consulted yourself. Nearly all of these work by buying that half-second back.

Buying the gap
Let me check and get back to you.
Disagreeing without starting a fight
I see it differently. Can I tell you how?
Handing back a problem that isn't yours
That sounds genuinely hard. What are you thinking of doing?
When they're upset and you want to fix it
I'm not going to try to talk you out of it. I'm just here.
Stating a preference, with no case attached
I'd rather not. No reason beyond that.
When you've already said yes and it was a pleasing yes
I said yes too quickly. Can I give you a proper answer tomorrow?

Persuasion read the entry →

Nearly all of these work by lowering the threat to the self-model. None of them involve winning, which is the part most people can't give up.

Before making a case at all
What would change your mind about this? I'm genuinely asking.
Establishing you're not attacking them
I think we actually want the same thing here. Where I get off is further down.
Letting them find it themselves
How would you expect that to play out? Walk me through it.
Conceding something real first
You're right about that part, and I hadn't accounted for it.
Leaving it open rather than demanding a concession
You don't have to agree with me now. I just wanted you to have it.
When it's become about winning
I think I'm arguing to win rather than to get anywhere. Can we start that again?

Resentment read the entry →

Raising something late is awkward and almost always better than the alternative. Name the lateness first — it removes the obvious objection before they can make it.

Raising something old
This is old and I should have said it at the time. I'm saying it now because it clearly hasn't gone away on its own.
The early version, before it accumulates
That didn't sit right with me. Can we talk about it?
When they can tell you're off
I am off, and it's about something from a while back. Give me a minute and I'll tell you properly rather than making you guess.
When it's the arrangement, not an incident
The way we've split this stopped working for me a while ago, and I've been going along with it anyway.
When you realise the grievance was a misread
I've been holding something against you that I think I got wrong. I'd rather say that than keep it.

Sex read the entry →

Most difficulty here is a conversation that hasn't happened. These are deliberately plain — the awkwardness is in starting rather than in the words.

Naming a mismatch without blame
I think we want this at different rates, and I'd rather talk about it than both keep guessing.
Saying what you like
There's something I've never said I like. Can I tell you?
Declining without it being a verdict
Not tonight — and it isn't about you. I'd rather say that than be vague about it.
Asking rather than assuming
What do you actually want more of? I've been guessing.
When something isn't working
Something's been off for me and I don't fully know why. Can we talk about it without it being a problem to solve tonight?
Checking in
Is this good? Tell me if it isn't — I'd genuinely rather know.

Suicide read the entry →

Ask directly. Asking does not plant the idea — this has been studied, and the evidence is consistent. Being asked is frequently a relief, because it ends the work of concealing it.

Asking the question plainly
Are you thinking about ending your life?
If that feels too abrupt
You've seemed really low lately. I want to ask you something directly — are you having thoughts of suicide?
When they say yes
Thank you for telling me. I'm not going anywhere. Can we work out together who else we can get involved?
Instead of minimising
I'm not going to tell you it isn't that bad. I believe you that it's this bad.
Asking about means
Is there anything in the house we could move somewhere else for now? Not forever — just for now.
Staying in contact afterwards
I'm going to keep checking in. You don't have to reply or be okay — I'll just keep turning up.

Therapy read the entry →

Starting is the obstacle for most people, and the sentences are smaller than expected.

Booking a first appointment
I've been dealing with something on my own for a while and it isn't getting better. I'd like to talk to someone about it.
To your doctor
I think I need some support with my mental health. Can we talk about what's available?
When you don't know what the problem is
I can't name exactly what's wrong. Something isn't right and I've stopped being able to work it out alone.
Telling someone close to you
I've started seeing someone about this. I'm not in crisis — I'd just rather deal with it than keep carrying it.
When it isn't working with this therapist
I don't think this is the right fit for me. Can you suggest someone who works differently?
Asking about a specific approach
I've read that this responds to a particular kind of treatment. Is that something you offer, or could you point me to someone who does?

What to Say to Someone Who Is Grieving read the guide →

Short beats profound. If you're constructing something meaningful, you've probably already gone past what helps.

When you don't know what to say
I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry. I'm here.
Instead of “let me know if you need anything”
I'm dropping food round on Thursday. I'll leave it at the door — you don't have to see me or reply to this.
Asking how they are
How is today? Not the big question — just today.
When they cry and apologise for it
Please don't apologise. You can do that here.
Weeks later, when everyone else has stopped mentioning it
I was thinking about her today. I still think about her.
On an anniversary or birthday
I know what today is. Thinking of you, no need to reply.
When you want to talk about the person
Is it alright if I say his name? I'd like to talk about him.
When you've been absent and feel it's too late
I went quiet because I didn't know what to say, and that was about me rather than you. I'm sorry. I'm still here if you want me.

Why You Feel Lonely Even When You're Around People read the guide →

Vagueness is why loneliness persists among available people. “We should catch up sometime” commits nobody and nothing happens. Put a day in it.

Instead of “we should hang out sometime”
Are you free Thursday evening? I'd like to see you.
When it's been far too long and that's the awkward part
I've left this much too long and I'd still really like to see you. Are you around in the next couple of weeks?
Going one level deeper with someone you already see
Can I tell you something I haven't said out loud to anyone yet?
When you're always the one reaching out
I've noticed I'm usually the one who messages. I'd like it to be a bit more even — is that something you want too?
Turning a regular acquaintance into a friend
I always enjoy talking to you here. Do you fancy getting a coffee properly sometime — say next week?
Just admitting it
I've been lonely lately. I'm not asking you to fix it — I just didn't want to keep pretending I'm fine.